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image: trumzz/Getty Images/Build A Mentoring Relationship With A Leader You Admire

Years ago when I taught a graduate leadership course in Seattle, one of my students asked me to be his mentor. This was about a week after the class had ended. It was clear that the question was difficult for him. Throughout the course, he appeared disinterested in my teaching, aloof, and often scoffed at the materials I presented. I’d assumed that he didn’t like the course or me.

But what caught me off guard that day was his sincerity. He explained that he’d had some bad experiences with mentors in the past. He came to realize that the people he had reached out to and admired weren’t genuinely interested in helping him grow. And they usually wanted something in return: free labor, an ego boost, the chance to feel important.

Trusting someone he wanted to learn from was still difficult. But he’d found the courage to ask me anyway. His vulnerability was disarming. I’d never been formally asked to “mentor” anyone and I felt like a fraud. I feared that if he knew my many flaws and insecurities, I’d end up being yet another disappointment.

Reluctantly, I agreed and decided I could simply hide those parts of myself.

Trust, Vulnerability And Growth In Mentoring Relationships

It wasn’t until months later, when we had built a foundation of trust, that I felt comfortable enough to follow his example. Sick of carrying around my angst, I confessed my fears about being the “perfect” mentor. As it turned out, the last thing he wanted was my perfection. He wanted me to be human, to see how I dealt with my shortfalls, and grew to trust me more because I acknowledged them.

I tell this story because I understand how complicated relationships between different generations can be in academic and professional settings. We spend a great deal of time comparing what we each have to offer to one another, and to the world.

In academia, young students want professors to help them make sense of the world. While their professors are worried about keeping up with their publishing demands.

At work, many emerging leaders feel those senior to them stand in their way. While those in senior roles privately question their relevance in the face of younger, tech-savvy newcomers. Such is the dilemma that both sides faces in an effort to build a mentoring relationship.

It Is Beyond The Legacy Or Wisdom Of Older Leaders, We Need Each Other

The irony is that the legacy of older leaders is only secured through helping the young ones reach their potential. And the opportunity to fulfill your potential as a young leader can be realized much more fully if you make an effort to inherit the wisdom of your predecessors. We need each other to feel like we both matter.

If a senior leader you want to connect with hasn’t figured that out yet, there are ways to help them, as my mentee helped me. Of course, all generations have more work to do in this area. These connections can only be made if both sides build bridges and make an effort to understand our mutual wants and differences.

But right now, I want to empower you, the young leader, with a few tools that I’ve seen help lay the foundation.

Test Your Assumptions And Labels. 

Chances are, if you’ve struggled to connect with a particular older leader, you’ve formed biases about them. You may have interpreted some of their behavior as off-putting, unapproachable, or disinterested in you. While your concerns may very well be valid, it’s also important to check yourself before completely writing them off.

I initially interpreted my student’s aloofness as disinterest. When in fact, it was the opposite. You may be surprised by what you find when you dig a little deeper.

Before shutting the door on a relationship with an older employee, put yourself in their shoes. Could you be misinterpreting where they are coming from? Are you projecting some of your own anxiety or misgivings onto them?

If you have any connection with someone who knows them better, check in with them to find out more to test your beliefs. Make sure that your criteria for judging their behavior isn’t based on how similar or different they are from you. The things that are different about them, may end up being the most valuable.

Use Vulnerability, Not Just Confidence, To Build Credibility

Many emerging leaders feel the best way to win the approval of older leaders is to appear confident, smart, and assertive. But that can backfire. It can come across as entitled or overly self-assured.

After asking me to be his mentor, my graduate student went on to confess that his behavior during our class was his way of trying to prove that he didn’t need help. He told me, “It’s funny, I was looking to be developed and led by trying to convince both of us that I needed neither.” His humility deeply impressed me.

What will show more seasoned leaders your maturity and credibility is being vulnerable. Being able to openly talk about what you don’t know. Asking for help in places you feel unsure, and acknowledging areas you need to improve. While that may feel risky, older leaders know that there’s only so much legitimately earned confidence, someone who is early in their career will have. Faking more than you have will only make others less likely to trust you.

Demonstrating that you know your limitations by being confident enough to ask for help indicates you are trustworthy and open to learning. If you are struggling with a project, for instance, you might say, “I’d love to get your input on this. I’m feeling really good about these parts, but I haven’t had enough experience in this area and I know that it’s your expertise.”

Avoid Complete Deference

On the other hand, extreme deference can create distance. In some cases, it can make you come across as a suck up. In others, it establishes a formality that makes senior leaders feel as though they always have to “be on” when they are around you.

Believe it or not, deference triggers a sense of imposter syndrome, a fear many older leaders have (that they aren’t worthy of the role they are in). This was my struggle in my relationship with my graduate student.

Recommended: Mentoring During A Crisis – Place Of Self And Mentee

You want to be someone that older leaders can feel safe with. Someone who they can be themselves around. When leaders across generations can learn to be vulnerable with one another, it can be transformational.

Find Common Ground

What many emerging leaders long for is to feel respected by older leaders.

Creating “peership” with older leaders — approaching them as equals without being cocky and showing respect for their seniority without being overly deferent — is one of the hardest parts of these relationships.

To establish mutuality, learn about their lives outside of work. If they have pictures of their family in their office, ask about them. Or, if you’re on a video call and one of their kids walks in the room, use that chance to learn more about their life. To build a mentoring relationship that will last long, also find out what interests they have outside of work.

When my student and I were first getting to know each other, I was still a newcomer to Seattle. My family and I were steeped in boxes from our move to the new city and he offered to help. As we unpacked boxes of books in my office, he asked about my clients and the work I did. It became a ritual for us to sit on the floor in front of the bookcase and tell stories of leaders facing real-life challenges.

Shared humanity is a great way to establish common ground, setting the foundation for a strong relationship. It also helps neutralize any hierarchical differences without ignoring them. You can show respect for your differences in experience by asking about their career choices and how they’ve approached their development.

Ask For What You Need

As simple as it sounds, seasoned leaders love when younger leaders cut to the chase and ask for what they want. If you want more time with someone, ask for it within reason. You probably can’t get an hour a week, but you might get an hour a month. With such baby steps, you will build a mentoring relationship that is fulfilling.

If you want more opportunities to have your ideas heard, ask for it. You can say, “I know our meetings are very full, but sharing my ideas is an area I need to grow in. Sometimes we move so fast that I don’t feel comfortable jumping into the fray. I wonder if we could set aside 15 minutes in an upcoming meeting for me to share an idea and engage the team?”

What Rejection Actually Mean

If you fear your request will be denied, you’re not alone. Many emerging leaders are afraid of the feeling of rejection that comes with that denial. Instead of personalizing silence, or a “no” answer, ask the other person to help you understand.

Whatever their response, they likely have your best interest in mind. You may have to ask several times to make something happen. This is why you should always ask with a level of respect, and explain why your request makes sense. Any hint of insistence, entitlement, or sulking if your request isn’t granted, is more likely to be met with resistance.

Remember that your desire to connect with more experienced colleagues is worthy and admirable. You are beginning to walk your way to build a mentoring relationship that is mutually beneficial. You are striving to learn from them, to offer something in return, and to broaden your network beyond your peers. Learning how to make those desires known to senior leaders takes practice, but it’s a skill you will use all your life.

It may feel risky, and at times, it will feel uncomfortable. But that discomfort is the same thing that will make your relationship go from enjoyable to transformational.

Start Now, Start Small. Keep It Friendly, Informal And Enjoyable

It takes some work to build a mentoring relationship. But you can start small. Who is a more experienced professional or leader that you admire? Someone you’d want to emulate? Whose career has made you think differently about your own?

Reach out to them. Let them know how they, and their work have influenced you. And then, ask for a 20-minute virtual coffee. Prepare one or two questions to ask them. Keep it friendly and informal. Let them feel enjoyed, and help them to enjoy you. Some of the greatest relationships of our lives start with a simple question over a cup of coffee.

Click to read the original script @ Harvard Business Review – Build a Relationship With a Senior Leader You Admire by Ron Carucci

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image: Westend61/Getty Images/Mentoring During A Crisis-Place Of Self And Mentee

Shortly after September 11, 2001, I (David) stood in the cafeteria line at work, anxieties still swirling in my mind. I happened to see one of my mentors, a senior member of our department. After we exchanged hellos, our conversation quickly turned to current events.

I remember he said two simple – yet powerful – words: “It’s scary.”

Almost instantly, my fears began to settle, replaced by a sense of connection. Knowing I wasn’t alone made a difference.

Even The Strong Need A Strong Hand Of Support

We have combined ~50 years of experience mentoring healthcare professionals before the Covid crisis. And now during it, we’ve learned just how important mentors can be—especially for those on the front lines.

For months, doctors, nurses, grocery store workers, postal carriers, and many others have been navigating physical danger, complexity, and uncertainty, with no end in sight. Now more than ever, they need emotional support.

But they can’t always turn to their managers. They also may be consumed with solving problems and likely overwhelmed with keeping their organizations running.

Workers may also fear their managers. They are the ones who hold the key to their future advancement. There is always the concern that managers may view  a request for help as a weakness. That is where you as a mentor can play a critical role. You can provide them with a stabilizing force. This is the time to be that someone who can help talk them down when they’re triggered, scared, burned out, or confused—all off the record.

Fortify Yourself First

However, if you consider yourself a mentor to someone on the front lines, the first step is to take care of yourself. You can’t offer emotional support if you don’t have your own emotional fortifications in place. Then you can turn to helping your mentee’s by offering them emotional support and concrete tactics.

First, you need to take stock of your capacity. Do you have the necessary time, focus, and energy for your mentee? If you don’t have time but still want to help, one solution is to help your mentee’s develop a  “team of mentors.”

If you do determine that you have the bandwidth to play a mentorship role, ask yourself: what can I do to fortify myself? Ultimately, you cannot provide care to others with an empty tank.

The Basics Are Not Luxuries But Essentials

Adequate sleep, nutrition, exercise, and activities that provide rejuvenation and meaning—such as meditation, prayer, nature walks, listening or playing music—are not luxuries; they are essential.  

Micro-practices such as keeping a gratitude journal, deep breathing, and moments of mindfulness such as when using hand sanitizer can build moments of wellness into your day. And they take only seconds to minutes to implement.

And just as your mentee benefits from having you and other mentors to support them, you need your own support network as well. Highly effective leaders lean on support teams of colleagues near or far, and good mentors do the same. Do this by scheduling regular check-in calls with friends, family, mentors, coaches, spiritual advisors, or mental health professionals.

Encourage Reverse Mentoring

In the same vein, keep in mind that your relationship with your mentee isn’t one-way. Being open to learning from your mentees can be a source of positive energy for both of you. Reverse mentoring can pay big dividends, both emotionally and practically.

Voicing your appreciation for these moments of exchange can also build your relationship and provide its own form of emotional support to your mentee.

Attend To Your Mentee’s Emotional Well-Being

In your work with your mentees, it may be tempting to focus on teaching them new skills. You may also feel the need to give them advice about how to solve specific technical problems. But during a crisis and for front-line workers, you’re one of the few places and persons they can turn to for emotional support. So it’s critical that you make their well-being a focus for any mentoring discussion.

Encourage your mentees to share what they’re feeling. Reassure them, offer wellness strategies, and affirm their strengths.

How Are You Really Doing?

Begin with listening. Ask your mentees, “How are you really doing?”—more than once. Expect to hear about grief, anxiety, and fear. Encourage them to talk about these feelings.

Naming emotions helps us feel them, and allows them to flow through us, bringing a helpful shift in brain activity and perspective. Expect too that your mentoring meetings may involve more emotion than usual, including tears.

Practise Highly Supportive Reflective Listening

If you’re worried about what exact words to use with your mentees, know that reflective listening is in itself highly supportive. This just involves taking the essence of what the mentee said and offering it back as a connecting confirmation that they have been heard and understood.

For example, if your mentee is describing how stressful work is, you could say, “I hear it’s really stressful—and it’s hard to know what to do with the unexpected.”  

If you want to dig deeper, you can ask, “What is your biggest challenge right now?  What is helping? What’s going well—or still OK—in your world?”

In times of stress, clarifying what is most important to your mentees can be the biggest gift of all. In so doing you help them appreciate and focus on the things that bring meaning and purpose to their life.

Lower Expectations, Appreciate Strength

Offer reassurance and opportunities for connection. Discuss lowering expectations in these uncertain times. Explain that they shouldn’t feel they have to push themselves beyond their limits.

At the same time, express your appreciation for their strengths.

Simply naming them can be surprisingly helpful: “One of the things I most appreciate is your curiosity and drive for learning.” Or: “Coronavirus is one for the history books. You’re helping to pull us through. Thank you.”

Encourage Increase In Number And Spread of Mentee’s Support Team

Finally, share tactics for supporting their emotional well-being. Encourage your mentees to have their own support team and to limit their media exposure.

Offer a detail or two about your support team, and how you use it; ask about their own loved ones. Even just talking about mental health resources helps to normalize them. Each of us has used a coach, psychologist, therapist, or spiritual counselor. And at various times, has shared this fact with our mentees, as appropriate.

For both mentors and mentees, this may also be an especially meaningful time to renew dormant connections. Even if it’s been years since you’ve been in touch. A “check-in” call or e-mail can help.

And while virtual mentoring may not be as satisfying as the in-person kind, there is evidence supporting its efficacy.  In ways large and small, one person can make a lasting difference.

Even a few words, mentioned in passing, can last a lifetime.

Click to read the original script @ Harvard Business Review – Mentoring During A Crisis by David P. Fessell, Vineet Chopra and Sanjay Saint

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Welcome to Worklife Feed articles and site-files indexing and adaptation series.