Tag Archives: Depression

How To Redeem Your Broken Marriage

How To Redeem Your Broken Marriage

How do you redeem your broken marriage? Please note that no marital problem is bigger than another. But what if yours is battling pornography and infidelity?

Your relationship is in good condition, but you want things to be better. And surely your marriage can be better. This article is about a loving couple who seems to have a perfect marriage. But there were hidden issues below the surface that really threatens to tear their family apart. This particular topic, how to redeem your broken marriage is related to pornographic addictions; but can it be so true that a high percentage of men struggle with this issue?

“The most dangerous inadequacies and ‘fault-lines’ in our life are the ones that we think are anonymous.

If there is a hidden ‘fault-line’ that you are struggling with as a couple, just take it out from under the table and put it on top of the table. Definitely, it will require a lot of courage and grit, but the reward is huge for the entire family. Just like the experience of the couple, Dave and Kirsten Samuel whose story is to be shared here.

A Fabulous Marriage And Then A Niggling ‘Fault-line’ Showed Up

Happily married for 25 years and with 3 grown children. But ironically, they did not know each other. Comfortably just launching into empty nest years, they thought they have an absolute, fabulous marriage. And to them, sure they did. “To some degree we did. We never fought, and we always got along,” says Kirsten.

“We did love each other,” Dave chipped in. “And we were committed to each other… but the ‘fault-line’ that was niggling at me, that was under the skin for years, just kept raising its ugly head. The internet provided easy access to information that should not be.”

Then one day the whole bubble busted. Dave came home one night, and the signs were all over him. He went into the bedroom after dinner and Kirsten followed later.

The peace in the family was shattered with what came out of Dave’s mouth, “it is very likely I won’t have a job tomorrow.”

“Why?” Kirsten asked.

Dave replied, “because of a moral failure.”

Kirsten knee just gave way.

He Exchanged Me For Pornography

Kirsten recollect that when she heard him, she went through a range of emotions, from disbelief to ‘how dare you?’ Then followed by anger. “You couldn’t have struck a knife in my heart any harder than that, knowing that he exchanged me for pornography. I went between shock, anger, disbelief, and resentment. I don’t know you, I don’t want to be near you. It was like, who is this guy? This is not the guy I thought I married,” she said.

“The question that was posed to me was, what was it worth to me for my wife to be healed?”

“We need help,” she continued. And the first people she could think about, became their restoration team.

The Childhood Wounds That I Did Not Deal With Erupted

Then something opened up in her. The wounds she had been hiding for many years when she was abused. Kirsten recollect that she had never dealt with it when it happened to her since she was nine years old. “It reminds me, you don’t have any value, you don’t worth anything, you are unseen, unlovable, not pretty enough, not smart enough, that I do not matter. And since you traded me with pornography, therefore I don’t matter.”

“I love your dad because love is an act of the will. It is not an emotion.”

They reached out to their children and the son asked her the question, “mum, do you love my dad?”

That touched her and brought out a deep reflection. “Honestly, I love your dad because love is an act of the will. It is not an emotion. But right now, I can’t stand him. I don’t like him at all. But I love him because I made him a commitment in my wedding vows,” she said.

In the midst of the painful betrayal, a truth cannot be hidden as she thought of Dave’s performance on their wedding vow. “Dave kept forsaking all others – no he did not keep that one. I got upset about that. But I was guilty. I couldn’t throw a dirt at him, I was just as guilty.”

Take a listen, Part 1 – How To Redeem Your Broken Marriage

How It All Started With Pornography

Dave’s side of the story is also intriguing. “I was exposed to pornography probably when I was five or six years old by a neighbor’s friend”, he started. “One of those things … ‘hey, check out this magazine’. As a military family, we moved around all the time. I did not have a lot of friends that had a lot of history. That fed my insecurity of being a boy that wasn’t into sport. But I was more attracted to the art and music. I had more of a sensitive temperament, and I didn’t seem to fit in with my guy friends in school.”

At this point, it is time to grab the edge of the chair as Dave continued his story. “Pornography was my medication of choice when I felt insecure, scared and freighted. Like going to a new school for the first time, it was hard for me.”

“For most people when I ask them if they have a good friend, especially men, they say, no. How can you then find a team to help you?”

Dave went on to narrate his journey into the dark world of pornography. How before the internet it was pretty much hard to have access because it was pretty much controlled. This shielded the first part of their marriage from the horrid effect of pornography, and the marriage was therefore great. But around the time that the internet started getting into the homes, it really became a struggle for him. The access was there, the anonymity was there, the secrecy was there; all those things that can fuel addiction because one could get away with it.

Rescue Support System – Parents, Friends and Counsellors

“You have got to talk about it with the kids”, Kirsten said.

Dave remembered how conversation about similar sensitive topic was handled while he was growing up. Rather than the issue been faced headlong, adults retorting to anecdote. He counselled that parents should face the elephant in the room. Don’t tell kids that, “the birds can fly over your head but you don’t have to let the birds make a nest in your hair.” It communicates nothing and provides no real help to a struggling young man.

From the perspective of the show host, for most people when he ask them if they have a good friend, especially men, they say, no. “How can you then find a team to help you?” he queried.

“I had people that I know, but Dave was not comfortable with them. And he had people that he knew, and I was not comfortable with them,” explained Kirsten. “We struggled to come up with three couples who could help us as our restoration team, to work out a recovery plan that we had to come up with. And that is most people’s dilemma,” she said.

“What I was struggling with in the addiction was low self esteem.”

The show host then ask Kirsten a question, “Have you ever or are you considering taking your own life?” She was startled. “No, why would you ask me that,” she responded.

The host then said, “you have suicidal depression. You have PTSD and anxiety disorder and you need to get help now. You need to get on medication and if you don’t, I will put you in the hospital.” For Kirsten, the ground might as well have opened up and swallow her whole.

He was accurate.

Take a listen, Part 2 – How To Redeem Your Broken Marriage

The Book: Choosing a Way Out

Amazon Extract

“Because of a moral failure, that’s why.”

When Kirsten Samuel heard this confession from her Christian husband it took her breath away. Yet, she would realize her husband’s sin exposed the hidden deception in her own life. This uninvited crisis proved to be the beginning of her personal healing.

Kirsten writes that for most of her adult life she believed: She wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or rich enough, or talented enough, or whatever enough. She felt invisible and forgettable.

In these pages of the book, you’ll encounter raw honesty and see a clear path through the pain. You’ll see no depression is too dark and no lie too big. And discover a powerful process, where you exchange isolation for accountability and deception for deliverance. Choose a way out, even in the bleakest of circumstances. God is greater than your pain.

A Dark Spot From My 9 Year Old Past Life

The ghost was let out when Kirsten started her story, “I have been hiding since my abuse. I was stalked at nine year old and was physically attacked by someone I knew and trusted. Though I was able to escape from that attack, I never told any body. The person I told was Dave before we got married. But I brushed it off. I said I was fine. Nothing happened. But emotionally, I was stuck at nine. I was ignoring it, and shutting it down.”

She said going through this can make one, a tough girl, a promiscuous girl or the good girl. She said she was in between the tough and the good girl. Fixing every other people around her to make sure they were happy.

“There was something in my attacker that made him did what he did. And when he died, I grieved”, she concluded.


Focus on The Family

Visit Focus on the Family, get more episode resources on how to redeem your broken marriage.

Get Kirsten’s book “Choosing a Way Out” to know how they redeem their broken marriage. And you can get a copy of the book for your donation of any amount @ https://donate.focusonthefamily.com/don-daily-broadcast-product-2020-11-04

Visit Dave and Kirsten Samuel website for additional resources.

You may also like;

Welcome to Worklife Feed articles and site-files indexing and adaptation series.

Be Honest: You Miss Your Co-Workers

Be honest you miss your co-workers

Click to read: Be Honest: You Miss Your Co-Workers

Source: Entrepreneur

Snippet: Be honest, you miss your co-workers even though working from home (WFH) has its benefits. Working remotely can feel too remote, almost like being stranded on a deserted island.

Particularly in Western culture, our professions are synonymous with how we identify ourselves. Even with this outsized importance placed on only one aspect of our lives, we still fail to recognize just how important those other people in our profession are to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Love them or hate them, your co-workers do you a great service in helping you meet one of your basic human needs: social interaction.

Welcome to Worklife Feed


Advertisements

I Need To Take A Holiday From Planning My Holiday

Worklife Daily_I NEED TO TAKE A HOLIDAY FROM PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

Click to read: I Need To Take A Holiday From Planning My Holiday

Source: The Guardian

Snippet: The day before my friends and I were due to leave for our UK holiday, the host of the Airbnb cancelled. It was a dark, yet fitting end to our simple holiday dream of five best girlfriends in a cottage, tipsily affirming each other with internet slogans (“You do you, hunny!”) and bonding through collective eye-rolling at men.

Although it does mean that my cottage retreat will have to wait a little longer: I’m taking a holiday from planning the holiday. Even travel agents need a break.

Welcome to Worklife Feed


Advertisements

Career-Focused People Who Prioritise Making Money Are More Likely To Be Lonely

Worklife Daily_Career-Focused People Who Prioritise Making Money Are More Likely To Be Lonely

Click to read: Career-Focused People Who Prioritise Making Money Are More Likely To Be Lonely

Source: DailyMail

Snippet: Those who focus their lives on accumulating wealth are more likely to end up lonely — as they sacrifice social time with loved ones in order to work — a study has found. Experts from the US explored why basing one’s self-esteem around financial success — the so-called ‘Financial Contingency of Self-Worth’ — can have drawbacks.

According to the team, pursuit of money in itself is not inherently problematic, but the impact such has on much-needed social connections can be. ‘When people base their self-worth on financial success, they experience feelings of pressure and a lack of autonomy,’ said paper author and psychologist Lora Park of the University of Buffalo.

The findings, they added, emphasise the importance of maintaining social networks and personal relationships — alongside other goals — for one’s mental health.

Welcome to Worklife Feed


Advertisements

How One Deadly Shot Against Procrastination Made a BIG Difference

Procrastination is often a symptom of perfectionism. Because perfectionists fear being unable to complete a task perfectly, they put it off as long as possible. This stems from the fear that not meeting the goal means that there is something bad, wrong or unworthy inside of them.

Quote by Denise Jacobs

Whaoh! Sixteen (16) days gone already. My last post was published sixteen days ago? It sure is a lot of work to write each post. But I flow so naturally and unstoppable once I start writing. Though I know it can be tasking, but am always unfettered and unruffled by the hard work involved. So, why did I stop for this long?

Not that I did not have a daily urge to write or at least a topic to write on. I have actually started a post and left it as a draft. But I could not just spare the time to write because I was not in the mood. I also seem to have a silent fear that I will not be able to deliver the kind of quality write up that I want without distractions from my other life pursuits.

But this gave me a sense of loss. Loss of productivity, loss of connection with my online friends and co-bloggers. And a loss of traction to the speed and momentum I was building up.

Wait a minute, sense of loss? Did I write that? 16 days of FAILING to write or 16 days of SUCCEEDING only in procrastination? Even in this, my cup is half full not half empty. This makes me to remember, I have Succeeded in Zero out of 3 Happiness and Confidence Test.

I will speak and write about succeeding and not failing. A failure is someone who has given up, who has not started, or taken a step. I only had a break. A failure will be the car maker stopping work in 1914, simply because he/she could get a futuristic glimpse of the fast cars of 2018. A failure can be likened to a snail that refuse to starts its journey simply because it sees ahead, a tortoise, then a turtle, then a cheetah.

Therefore today, I choose to direct just one deadly shot against procrastination. Just write! And guess what, I choose to write about that one thing that is holding me back, procrastination. I faced the elephant in the room.

I realize that I procrastinated on this very important journey because I allow it to drop in my order of priority. I allowed myself to be bugged down by the same old “other people’s very urgent and important businesses”, and things that are in my comfort zone, rather than push my limit in this one area of flow and joy. This seemingly unimportant and not so urgent area of my life, but where I want to start making the biggest changes and achieve the highest growth.

B3F8721D-DB50-484B-ADF6-61E0B24C9759

I understand your personal frustration as you too sit in the hall way of procrastination.

But you too can get up, dust off the lethargy, arm yourself with your clearly identified life goals, game changer ideas or pursuit and just go for it! Get on board that stimulating train or activity again. That one jolly train that was taking you on your journey of purpose and accomplishment.

So, what are you going to do, differently?

My one deadly shot against procrastination, was; just start, just do it.

To further assist your understanding and expand this beyond my usual simplistic solutions, I decided to search for additional guides. Let me start with a summary from two Forbes write ups;  10 Scientifically Proven Tips for Beating Procrastination and Why Being A Perfectionist Can Hold You Back

1. Pick your poison – this is about focus and choosing/ prioritizing on ONE thing.

2. Start today – taking immediate action.

3. Five Minute Miracle – taking a small doable chunk, or identified small action.

4. Do a Power Hour – put away all distractions and work in concentrated chunks of time.

5. Kill it With Kindness – forgive yourself for past procrastination.

6. Have a Procrastination Power Song – get a song that really gets you energized.

7. Get under the hood – understand exactly why you’ve been procrastinating a specific task.

8. Let It Go – decide if this item need to be dropped off the ‘to do list’.

9. Make a bet – have an accountability buddy and have a bet with the person.

10. Make it fun – create a reward for yourself if the procrastinated task is completed.

Finally, I have done it again. I have gone a long way writing another blog I can be proud of simply because I took the first steps.

Prior to now, I had finished some other “pressing” priorities. Yesterday, I had a very lively and stimulating conversation with a colleague about my blog. This spurred me into action and made me refocus to do just this ONE thing that I have procrastinated doing for so long. I had the conversation yesterday, failed again (did not succeed) to start yesterday even though it was on my ‘to do list’ for several days. But I took action today. At least, today is closer to immediately, more than tomorrow or never. I just wanted to kick start it. But I went more than 75% with the first shot. I did not just do a five minute miracle slot, I used a two hours online meeting to multitask.

Surely, according to the research referred to in the Forbes write up,

“… once you start something, you’re much more likely to finish it”…

This is a psychological phenomenon called, the Zeigarnik effect. With two hours spent now, I had moved from a five minute miracle to doing a power one hour. I have also forgiven myself (maybe not totally), for procrastinating this long. I also overcame the lethargy of not wanting to fail. My accountability buddy sent me a reminder email this morning, funny, just remembering. Did all these seemingly unconnected actions actually contributed to me writing this post today? Maybe.

What are you currently procrastinating doing? What will you do now, immediately, to make a difference? What can you advice to help someone stop procrastinating? Are you been daunted by procrastination triggers?

Chris Bailey’s Harvard Business Review write up on 5 Research-Based Strategies for Overcoming Procrastination listed Pychyl’s seven triggers that make a task seem more averse. They are, if the task is, boring, frustrating, difficult, ambiguous, unstructured, not intrinsically rewarding, or lacking in personal meaning.

SPARE ONE HOUR – For Additional Knowledge From Multiple Videos

I started with my ONE shot, 5 miracle minutes, 2 hours of multitasking doing this post, and ended up spending additional hours to learn more.

I realized from Robin Sharma (How I Beat Procrastination) 2WW, that my walking exercises over the weekend could also have aided my “readiness” to write today.

Rafeal Eliassen sounded so persuasive in Killing Procrastination – COMPLETELY Eliminate Putting Things Off, FOREVER. He talked about how most of us do to tap into our potential and talent. This is the same damning verdict I got yesterday when I finally made a so long procrastinated call to someone. Again, perhaps another unknown and seemingly unrelated shot that may have helped me to write this post.

Mel Robbins TEDxSF How to stop screwing yourself over came late, but made me realize that I stopped screwing myself when I pushed my ONE first shot and started to just write. I actually talked and opened up to a friend over the weekend. This is someone who had always harassed me that I don’t talk freely.  Someone I can call a close stranger. I said I was not FINE! That I needed to do things differently. This is the same person who helped me get back to my exercise routine, just been an exercise buddy.

Mel Robbins piece in Retrain your Mind, and The Secret to Self-Motivation is also fantastic. The question, “why is it so hard to do the little things that will change my life”, struck a deep cord down my heart. The importance of the DECISIONS or INDECISIONS I make, daily, the 5 seconds rule, etc also corroborate the other advise from other writers or “coach”. Then comes again that powerful fact of, JUST DO IT NOW!

DON’T wait for TOMORROW before you ACT.

Infact, don’t wait for the 6th second after now.

Within 5 seconds from now, DO SOMETHING POSITIVE to move your life, task or project FORWARD.

Beat the procrastination triggers off this game.

PLEASE, don’t throw away tomorrow.

(By the way, that’s the title of a great book by Robert H. Schuller, you need to get one and read.)

Or, if we neglect today, can tomorrow be better?

I started in the morning with a first shot.

I have done several reviews and rewriting all day, actually dropping everything else.

It’s evening and am beginning to get a bit frustrated that I have not been able to finish the post. I feel like just publishing it as is. But I can’t. It’s not yet good enough. Is it my perfectionist self at play again? Now it will want me to procrastinate on publishing this for you to read. Why should there be so many obstacles and barriers towards a good cause? At every new turn, after one other victory, why is perfectionism and procrastination there, standing in the way of my tomorrow?

Starting is just the beginning. There should be no delusion that there is always a lot of hard work involve in delivering our goal.

See you tomorrow, with your yesterday’s goals achieved, as you fiercely progress towards your life purpose and as you brighten up the world around you with the smile of someone who has had fulfilling today.

Photocredits: Smallstarter Africa, Pinterest, motivationalreads