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How Family And Friends Disconnections Impacts Life

worklifebalance_how missed family and friends connections impacts life

“Hello, friends. It has been awhile, but it is so nice to see you here.” That is Danielle Davis announcing her return back to the writing circuit on Pointless Overthinking. She had been away for awhile and was about to share her experiences of how family and friends disconnections impacts life, her life.

“Throughout our lives we long to love ourselves more deeply and desire to feel connected with others. Instead, we often contract, fear intimacy, and suffer a bewildering sense of separation. We crave love, and yet we are lonely. Our delusion of being separate from one another, of being apart from all that is around us, gives rise to all of this pain.”

SHARON SALZBERG

I Want To Be Real – Quirky And Messy – No Mask On

I have been thinking lately about connections. More specifically human connections. I think I have wandered through much of my life taking for granted human connection and how important it is to a healthy and happy state of mind.

Do not get me wrong. Some of the connections I have made over the years have definitely NOT been in my best interest (exes, needy “friends,” toxic bosses, etc).

For this discussion, I am talking about those connections that replenish us. Those ones that create safe spaces for us to let our hair down. I am speaking of relationships that allows us to be who we truly are. Not the ones that makes us wear masks or squeeze ourselves into uncomfortable boxes. The desire here, are relationships that allows our true selves, quirky, messy and neurotic in all of our glory.

Stepping Out Into A New Beginning

I grew up in a little town outside of Rochester, NY, and I could not get out of my hometown fast enough. It felt like everyone was always in my business. Or had an opinion of me and how I should live my life. And they were not afraid to share their thoughts with me. It was unbearable and I just wanted OUT.

So, in 2001, I started travel nursing. I did not travel too far at first, only to the next city for a while.

Then, when I got a little braver I accepted an assignment in a big city 7 hours away. That led to a bigger move to a few states south of where I grew up.

Each assignment was 13 weeks long. So I did not have to stick around for too long in any one place if I did not want to. I met loads of people and had so much fun.  Every new place I went, I reinvented myself. Shedding the labels and expectations of all those that I have left behind.

It was AWESOME. Finally, I felt free from all the judgement of others. It was incredible to experience and learn all that I did. And it was – if I am being completely honest – at times excruciatingly lonely. Like “huddle-up-in-a-ball-on-the-floor-and-cry-at-night” kind of lonely. This did not happen often, but it happened enough times to leave a mark. But at that time in my life, the good times decidedly outweighed the bad.

Stepping Back Into The Old – Family And Friends Disconnections

Eventually, after 6 years of traveling, I got homesick. At the same time, an opportunity to be on a cardiac surgery team in my hometown opened up. I had always wanted to learn cardiac surgery, so back home I went.

It felt funny to be home. Everything seemed just a little smaller. It was familiar, yet alien to me all at the same time. I worked a lot, and ended up in an awful relationship. Sadly, I also fought with my mother pretty much the entire time.

Despite my growth, she and so many others still saw me as the anchor-less, screw-up that I had been my whole life. I had changed, but many people still saw me with the same labels they had previously slapped on me. It lasted three and a half years.

Then I felt that if I did not get the hell out of the environment, I was going to die. That was an actual thought in my head, “I would rather be dead than be here.”

I packed up my dog, my clothes and shoes and moved 3,500 miles away. That was 11 years ago. That move quite literally may have saved my life. But it was the biggest ripping away of all I knew and was.

My Life Was Complete – But Was It?

I rewrote my life and learned to survive on my own. I focused on my career, and paid my bills. Things were going well, and I made lots of incredible friends. To spice up life, I went on amazing vacations and eventually met the love of my life. My life was complete – but was it? My family and friends disconnections from me was blurred because some other things temporarily took their place.

Back in 2019 (which after 2020 feels like it was 100 years ago), when we were living in the Bay Area, I found out that my father had passed away. We were not close. Nevertheless, it still felt strange to have a piece of my past cease to exist. We also found out that my father-in-law and mother-in-law had some health challenges back on the east coast.

My brother and his family, who live in New York, were sending my niece off to school. I missed my best friend, who also lives in New York. And whom I only saw once every year or two. I started to become consciously aware of this feeling of missing out on things … a feeling of dis-CONNECTION.

A Great Reset – How Family And Friends Disconnections Impacts Life

The final straw for me was last December. My husband and I had great jobs, jobs of a lifetime really. We were successful and had a beautiful apartment only 20 miles outside of downtown San Francisco. We had a good life.

Then, one morning, tragedy struck. I went to work only to find out that one of my staff had been tragically killed the night before. A drunk driver hit him on the way home from his evening shift.

His wife also worked for me and she was in my office trying to find out where he was. Wondering why he hadn’t come home. When her phone rang, I watched while she was told the news. I watched her drop the phone and crumple to the floor. In a moment, practically her whole life and everything she had known shattered around her.

What If This Was Either One Of Us?

I picked up the phone and spoke to the man from the coroner’s office. Got contact information so someone could identify the body and make arrangements for the funeral home. It was one of the most heart-breaking and impactful things I have ever experienced in my life.

I went home that night and spoke to my husband, Mike. He was nearly as shocked as I was. The questions started to roll through our minds, that which makes you take a fearful glance at someone and quickly avoid the eye connection. What if this was either one of us? What would the other person do? We have “friends” in the city, but we are so far from our family and real friends. It became obvious that actually, we have no one close to us. No one that can help us pick up the pieces of our life if such an incident happens to one of us.

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.

MOTHER THERESA

We started talking in earnest about our priorities and what changes we needed to make in our lives. It was time to re-CONNECT.

Reconnecting Back With Family And Friends

My husband and I are both from the northeast and we had absolutely zero interest in living anywhere that would ever have snow in the forecast. We therefore decided to move near my in-laws in Tampa.

I took some time off from work after the move. This is so we could just focus on friends and family. Despite COVID-19, we have gotten to spend more time with our friends and family. Actually, in the past 8 months, we had spent more time with family and our real friends than we had in the past couple of years. We had successfully bridged our previous family and friends disconnections.

Our hearts are full, and life feels complete. I feel the connections I had unknowingly been missing for some time. Just being in the same time zone has been a game changer for phone calls and text messages.

I Missed Them, They Missed Us, Life Is Good

I do not want to try to sell you some fairy tale ending here, that is not what this is about. Families are not perfect because people are not perfect. But I will tell you this now with better conviction. I am 100% certain that if Mike or I, had something tragic befall us, our family and real friends would be there in a heartbeat. The same way we would for them. I missed them, they missed us, life is good.

I hope you enjoyed my post! Please let me know in the comments. I would love to hear from you!! Light and love to you and yours.

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Welcome to Worklife Feed articles and site-files indexing and adaptation series.

Why Does My Relationships Makes Me Cry?

Why does my relationships makes me cry

image credit: Squarespace/Words and Vision/ Why Does My Relationships Makes Me Cry?

I cry because I feel a pain. But I also thought that I cried because I needed to unburden myself, free the load I carried. Exactly six days ago, I had felt very different about this same issue. That is, crying over my relationships. But now, I do not have the same level of pain or emotion.

So what went wrong six days ago that made me to shed tears?

I knew I felt real anguish deep within me. That was the reason why I cried and prayed in partially audible groans. Why I wept, uncontrollable.

“I cry because I care. Yes, I cry because I don’t feel heard. I cry because you only hear my cry (complaints you call it), but do not see the care.”

If I had asked you my friend, Craig, why does my boyfriend keep making me cry? Naturally, you would have said it is because he did something that I don’t like or appreciate. And you may also have asked if it is something he does unintentionally. Or perhaps if he doesn’t know that I am being hurt by him.

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I felt hurt and cried because of many things that day, my relationships issues and needs. That was not the first time and I am definitely not a cry baby. Why does my relationships, our relationships, makes us cry?

How do I stop being so emotional or stop my relationship emotional dependency?

First, I do not know if I am emotionally dependent on my partner. I have never thought deeply about this or go back at any time to understand the root cause of some of my crisis.

I recently read that emotionally dependent people aren’t just insecure, they have an obsessive need to be close to and attached to other people. In my estimate, my need to be close to and be attached to my partner is right and normal. When does it become excessive or a demonstration of insecurity?

I mean, we all experience some form of insecurity. No one knows the future, and no matter how confident we strove and climb the mountains, we all have a silent fear about the future.

What I still do not understand is this stuff called, an ‘obsessive fear’ of losing love. I did not start a relationship to lose it and neither do I want to jump from one relationship to another.

I need to take extra note of some words as I try to understand better, why my relationships make me cry.

Dependency seems to be when this normal things are in the extreme, obsessive, almost-insane etc. For example, dependent people have an almost-insane fear of not being good enough.

Then comes the issue of deep-rooted childhood traumas and disappointments.

Dependency, happiness and building a castle on shifting sands

In all, no matter the source or cause, depending on others for our happiness is like building a castle on shifting sands. It is more alarming to realize that emotional dependency isn’t just a state of mind, but a verifiable psychological disorder. A state of being where a dependent person can be sufferings from “dysphoric moods” or sudden mood changes making such unpredictable and difficult to deal with.

Even though emotional dependency is said to be serious and require professional help from someone with experience in relevant trauma treatment, a few tips can initially come handy. E. B. Johnson, NLP-MP, recommends the following;

  • Practice being there for yourself.
  • Stop giving away your responsibilities (especially self care) to others.
  • Re-parent yourself.
  • Recognize your own emotional cruelty.
  • Identify and let go of self-destructive patterns.
  • Detachment as liberation.
  • Develop some patience.
  • Let go of idealistic expectations.
  • Stop confusing your needs with someone else’s responsibilities.
  • Avoid letting your desire get carried away.
  • Letting go of the need to control others.
Why does my relationships makes me cry, what can I do?

My partner makes me a wreck, not that he beats me. But I am just tired and not happy in the relationship. You ask me to confront him, yes I have. You think maybe talking to someone about it will help, sharing with someone how I feel. I have done that too. And thanks to a loving gentleman who guides and coaches me. If not for him, many times, I would have taken very wrong steps.

“I am stretched and tired. Not only that, I have given up but cannot give up.”

The issues have been identified, and they are not likely to go away. He has even raised his hands in the air and declared that he cannot help himself. He said he does not have the skills or ability to do what I am asking him to do. But this are mere responsibilities that a normal husband or man should stand up to.

Quite all right, he does far above average in the area where he is lucky (sic!) to have a comparative advantage. But even at that, in those areas, I have had to double down to assist and guide him in some critical decisions and actions. Putting my feet down on critical decisions that he ought to take. And even adding my own resources, and that for his area of comparative advantage.

An expert thought on crying

So I cry, because it is frustrating. I am doing more than my bit, so I think.

“I am crying because they serve a purpose. Tears don’t come easy, so I cry because I hurt.”

According to Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine,  “crying is an excellent way of releasing emotions and processing difficult situations.” Woman’s Day break down twelve possible reasons, experts says are the psychology behind constant crying.

These includes built-up emotions, emotional empathy, learned associations, neuroticism, depression and anxiety. Others are, early trauma, stress, personality, hormones, socialization and the PseudoBulbar affect.

“I am better,” isn’t better? “My cry bottle is fuller,” perhaps feel better

When Rose told told HuffPost, “I can’t remember an argument in which I haven’t cried, but then I’m generally a crier.” I said to myself, good girl, at least you are not a crier, but what am I?

Funny, many times, I have also been angry with my relationship with God, and that also makes me cry. Why is He keeping quiet. How come He is allowing me to go through this pains and hurts? For how long will He test me before He redeems me?

Should I be called a cry bottle filler? I am crying because they serve a purpose. Tears don’t come easy, so I cry because I hurt.

I cry to communicate to God when words fail me, he keeps track of all my sorrows. He has collected all my tears in His bottle. He has recorded each one in His book.

I cry because I care. I cry because I don’t feel heard. But for how long?

Why does my relationships makes me cry? I cry because I care. Yes, I cry because I don’t feel heard. I cry because you just hear my cry (complaints you call it), but do not see the care. If you want to know, I am stretched and tired. Not only that, I have given up but cannot give up. My journey have been very long, I have invested so much into this relationship and cannot let go now.

But for how long? And will it ever get better? Especially for a fundamentally flawed incapability in a partner. This I know, God is for me. In God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man created situations and circumstances do to me?

Is it possible to make sense of what is senseless?

I was introduced to Beth Kinder by chance, and she asked me to go back thousands of years and read where a king gave an order to murder every Hebrew baby boy by drowning them in the river.

She said God described the Israelites during that time as His people. Yet mothers were having their babies ripped from their arms and murdered. Senseless… Where was God? Did those Hebrew families not honor God?

Beth then fast forward my mind to several thousand years later when another king ordered the senseless slaughter of all male children, ages two years and younger. She asked, “where was God?” After all, weren’t they still His people? Had they, too, removed God from their lives, their homes, their world?

I sense what my ‘comforter friend’ is trying to explain, but I do not agree with him.

What I do agree with is that we are all in this life bubble and are facing very different and sometimes related challenges.

When Beth said that her greatest victories, and her most catastrophic defeats have come from her little unit, called family, it resonates with me. Like her, I appreciate that there is beauty exchanged in the growing pains of family, where we must fight hard to make it work, when we would have rather quit.

Like Beth, I can no longer do any lesser.

I am promising myself that I would be for others, including my partner and friends, what I could not always find or receive. Hopefully, I will find out during this process of self discovery, that everyone has something for someone. I may have to search deeper, clean off more dirt’s, to find the hidden treasures in my life and possibly, also in my partner.

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Ending A No Sex Emotional Affair And It’s Roller Coaster

How To End An Emotional Affair

stock photo ID: 1152948911/ The Good Men Project/ Ending A No Sex Emotional Affair And It’s Roller Coaster

Infidelity is an action that many will say is indefensible, but when people think of cheating, they tend to imagine a married person sleeping with someone outside their marriage. It’s usually a physical act. However, what happens when a married person has a deep, emotional connection to someone outside the marriage? This can be known as an emotional affair.
In this post, we will look at what an emotional affair is and how you can end it.

Ending A No Sex Emotional Affair: Emotional Affair Vs. Friendship

An emotional affair isn’t people who are good friends. Some people may just have a good friendship and aren’t in an emotional affair at all. Here’s how to tell the difference.

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Secrecy

You usually don’t keep your friendship with someone a secret to your spouse. If you’re afraid to tell your spouse about the “friendship,” it may be an emotional affair. You usually tell your spouse if you’re hanging out with a friend. You may even bring your spouse with them. However, you won’t do the same with someone you are having an ’emotional affair’ with.

There’s a Sexual Attraction

When it comes to emotional affairs, you know you’re in one if there’s sexual tension between the two of you. You don’t have to be physically intimate with the person for it to be an emotional affair.

You’re Blowing Off Your Spouse for the Person You’re In an Emotional Affair With

If you feel like you’re ignoring your spouse more, and are thinking about the person you’re talking to, you may be in an emotional affair. You’re less intimate with your spouse, and you instead fantasize about that person. You may be less open to your spouse as well, but share your deepest desires with that person.

There’s Tension in Your Marriage

Even if you were just friends at first, an emotional affair can happen if there’s some tension in your marriage. Whether you’re starting to feel distant, argue more, or feel like you can’t talk to your spouse anymore. This can increase the chances of an emotional affair.

Anything That Breaks The Boundaries of Your Marriage

Finally, a sign that it’s an emotional affair is if you’re doing something that breaks the boundaries of your marriage. Every marriage has certain boundaries, with some being laxer and others being more strict. If you’re breaking the boundaries, you’re having an emotional affair.

Why It’s Bad

While you aren’t physically cheating with someone, an emotional affair is still infidelity. It’s often the beginning of physical cheating as well. When there is sexual tension between two people, it doesn’t take long before the line gets crossed.

Steps to Ending a No Sex Emotional Affair

How to End It: Now, let’s talk about ending an emotional affair. If you’re in an emotional affair and you realize it, you may wonder how you can walk it back before disaster strikes. Here are some ways you can do this.

Cut Out Contact With the Person

If you’re having an emotional affair with a person, it’s best that you stop talking to them. This isn’t to say that you can’t be friends when the feelings go away, but for now, it’s best that you end the friendship. It can be difficult to go back to being “just friends” when intense emotions have happened.

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Some people cut out all contact, while others may talk to the person one last time to explain what’s going on. Depending on your situation, one may be better than the other. Most people will prefer there to be some closure, as ghosting can hurt a person. But if you feel like you can’t confront them in person, you may just want to stop talking to them altogether, or message them and then block.

Take Some Responsibility in Ending a No Sex Emotional Affair

It’s important to admit that you messed up. We are all human, and we’re not saying you should self-flagellate, but coming clean is a noble move. In many cases, taking responsibility may come in the form of telling your spouse.

Of course, telling your spouse can be a challenge. One way you can solve this is to;

Go For Marriage Counseling

If the reason the emotional affair happened in the first place was because of issues in marriages, then consider talking to a counselor. You may do it individually as well, but one of the smartest decisions may be to bring both you and your spouse in, and see how you can repair your marriage.

As mentioned, marriage counseling can also be a good way for you to come clean about the emotional affair. Doing it outside of counseling can be a dangerous move, as emotions can run high. It can often spell the end of the marriage. However, a counselor’s office is a much safer environment to admit to it.

Think About Why the Affair Happened

This is a good thing to discuss with the counselor and your spouse. Why did the emotional affair happen to begin with? Is it because the person had something the marriage was missing? Was it due to recent issues in the marriage? Figuring out the exact reason behind it can help both you and the spouse repair your marriage.

If The Marriage Wasn’t Meant to Be

There are some cases where your marriage or relationship is falling apart, and it may be better to try to be in a relationship with the person you’re talking to. In a case like this, don’t play any games. Instead, end the relationship and go from there. Don’t commit infidelity and keep being in the relationship while you’re talking to someone else.

Of course, this is also something that you should think a long time about. Sometimes, you may just be lovestruck by someone and they may not be good marriage material. Even if you think you want to leave your spouse, marriage counseling is something you should still seek out.

Final Thoughts On Ending a No Sex Emotional Affair

An emotional affair isn’t as severe as one that’s physical, but it should still be cut out from your life in most cases.

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Myfwl/Worklife Feed has reprinted this article in full. Thanks to the good job done by Marie Miguel in the original article featured in the goodmenproject.com. On this basis, and a show of our support for the work of The Good Men Project, and BetterHelp.com, we are showcasing the profile below.

Note that despite our support, we take no responsibility for the activities of the organisations.

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About BetterHelp/Marie Miguel’s Column In The Good Men Project

In this column, you will find articles on the therapeutic process, overcoming mental illness stigma, achieving wellness through a healthy lifestyle and much more. BetterHelp shares these crucial pieces of information with you at The Good Men Project because they believe in your ability to have the best mental health that you can achieve.

What better way to get to your goal than by reading about common issues that other people are facing? The number one reason that BetterHelp has been successful is due to people like you who want to learn more about how to get and stay mentally healthy. Read the stories and take away the knowledge that wellness and healing are possible.

Marie Miguel has been a writing and research expert for nearly a decade, covering a variety of health-related topics. Currently, she is contributing to the expansion and growth of a free online mental health resource with BetterHelp.com. With an interest and dedication to addressing stigmas associated with mental health, she continues to specifically target subjects related to anxiety and depression.

About BetterHelp

BetterHelp is the world’s largest e-counseling platform.

The American Psychological Association, ABC, The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic have recognized BetterHelp for excellence in the field. Their unrelenting goal is to make counseling accessible, affordable, and convenient.

Life is full of unexpected challenges, and the counselors at BetterHelp are fully aware of this.

That’s why they want to provide the best support and guidance they can to their clients. They are passionate about their roles and demonstrate this in the unconditional support they have for their clients. The remarkably skilled therapists and counselors at BetterHelp have completed an astounding 27,559,459 sessions, helping clients with a variety of mental health issues ranging from depression to Borderline Personality Disorder.

These dedicated mental health professionals want to provide excellent therapeutic care to anyone who is searching for it. They believe that anyone can get help, anytime, anywhere.

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Best Laugh on Intimacy and Romance (2)

Best Laugh on Intimacy

Don’t dream of a ‘good time’ thinking of someone else. You can have the best laugh on intimacy with your partner.

Any marriage or relationship that is not growing is getting weak, and dying.

Click this link, to TAKE A LISTEN

Episode Title: Prioritized Romance (Christian Perspective)

Source: MarriageToday Audio Podcast with Jimmy and Karen Evans

Myfwl Quickies: – Best Laugh on Intimacy

Difficult Lane Men Walk

  • A lot of people believe that romance is for women and ‘strange men’. So, if you ever see a man in a romance section of a bookstore, …
  • As a man, know that the idea of a romantic activity that you share with your wife has a short life expectancy. But it still means a lot that you came up with something.

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Being romantic is saying …

  • Hear this, you, my spouse has a place in my life that no one else has.
  • You, my spouse is special, and there is no one else like you.
  • You desire me.

Being romantic makes me …

  • Like the way I feel about myself.
  • Feel wanted and attractive.

To be Romantic is to …

  • Go into your spouse world and meet an unspoken need or desire.
  • Speak or show love in your spouse romance language.

Do you want to know how to keep winning your husband? Show up periodically naked, and bring food. Note, the food is optional.

Men’s Major Romance Needs

  • Respect.
  • Sex.
  • Friendship (as buddy not mother).
  • Domestic support.

Women’s Major Romance Needs

  • Security (including having a selfless and sacrificial man).
  • Open and honest communication.
  • Nonsexual affection.
  • Leadership.

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Best Laugh on Intimacy and Romance (1)

Best Laugh on Intimacy

It is possible to enjoy our intimate life. To get the best laugh on intimacy, let’s roll.

Communication is important to your wife as sex is to you.

Click this link, to TAKE A LISTEN

Episode Title: The Secret of Ultimate Sexual Fulfillment (Christian Perspective)

Source: MarriageToday Audio Podcast with Jimmy and Karen Evans

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Myfwl Quick Tips – Introduction to Best Laugh on Intimacy

  • The Best Sex in marriage comes when one partner serves the other.
  • Chemistry will come and go, same with physical attraction.
  • Libido will not always come at the same time for the man and woman.
  • A man need to be his spouse’s dream maker, serving her.
  • You can’t be intimate with someone who is selfish.

To have a great sex night, be connected with all her life, all day long.

Myfwl Quick Tips – For the Man

  • Be romantic in the woman’s language, especially outside the bedroom.
  • Be sensitive to the Stress Points in her life.
  • A woman’s biggest needs are non sexual affections
  • Number one need of your wife is security.
  • Number two, open, patient and honest communication. The more you talk to your wife, the more sexual she becomes. 

Myfwl Quick Tips – For the Woman

  • A man want to be respected, and honored.
  • Men have the DESIRE – NEED for sex, and that is why they keep coming back to their wife. Women have the GIFT of sex.
  • A man is most vulnerable, when having fun, sex with you. Even a closed up man, who won’t talk will open up if this gift is used wisely.

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The Greatest Love Story, Our Stories, A Personal Story

The Greatest Love Story, Our Stories, A Personal Story

The greatest love story is about you and I, our troubles finding and managing love; and a man who got bold enough to share his own failures and recovery experience.

Click A Love Story, to TAKE A LISTEN (you will be required to make a purchase)

Source: “A LOVE STORY” by Pastor Keith Battle of Zion Church, Maryland, USA.

What ever you neglect will die on you!

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Sit back, I want to tell you a story, the greatest Love Story!

This is about the story of love that you are into or about to get into. From a flowery, creative, caring, flaming love. To a love that drifts away like a weightless flower on a slow moving stream. And for a love drift happens, it happens when love losses all of its intensity and creativity.

Now, this may not be your story, or you are feeling, did someone just told these folks about what is going on in my life?

Why not just listen yourself to the full story … Click Love Stories, to have access to similar stories.

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