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I cry because I feel a pain. But I also thought that I cried because I needed to unburden myself, free the load I carried. Exactly six days ago, I had felt very different about this same issue. That is, crying over my relationships. But now, I do not have the same level of pain or emotion.
So what went wrong six days ago that made me to shed tears?
I knew I felt real anguish deep within me. That was the reason why I cried and prayed in partially audible groans. Why I wept, uncontrollable.
“I cry because I care. Yes, I cry because I don’t feel heard. I cry because you only hear my cry (complaints you call it), but do not see the care.”
If I had asked you my friend, Craig, why does my boyfriend keep making me cry? Naturally, you would have said it is because he did something that I don’t like or appreciate. And you may also have asked if it is something he does unintentionally. Or perhaps if he doesn’t know that I am being hurt by him.
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I felt hurt and cried because of many things that day, my relationships issues and needs. That was not the first time and I am definitely not a cry baby. Why does my relationships, our relationships, makes us cry?
How do I stop being so emotional or stop my relationship emotional dependency?
First, I do not know if I am emotionally dependent on my partner. I have never thought deeply about this or go back at any time to understand the root cause of some of my crisis.
I recently read that emotionally dependent people aren’t just insecure, they have an obsessive need to be close to and attached to other people. In my estimate, my need to be close to and be attached to my partner is right and normal. When does it become excessive or a demonstration of insecurity?
I mean, we all experience some form of insecurity. No one knows the future, and no matter how confident we strove and climb the mountains, we all have a silent fear about the future.
What I still do not understand is this stuff called, an ‘obsessive fear’ of losing love. I did not start a relationship to lose it and neither do I want to jump from one relationship to another.
I need to take extra note of some words as I try to understand better, why my relationships make me cry.
Dependency seems to be when this normal things are in the extreme, obsessive, almost-insane etc. For example, dependent people have an almost-insane fear of not being good enough.
Then comes the issue of deep-rooted childhood traumas and disappointments.
Dependency, happiness and building a castle on shifting sands
In all, no matter the source or cause, depending on others for our happiness is like building a castle on shifting sands. It is more alarming to realize that emotional dependency isn’t just a state of mind, but a verifiable psychological disorder. A state of being where a dependent person can be sufferings from “dysphoric moods” or sudden mood changes making such unpredictable and difficult to deal with.
Even though emotional dependency is said to be serious and require professional help from someone with experience in relevant trauma treatment, a few tips can initially come handy. E. B. Johnson, NLP-MP, recommends the following;
- Practice being there for yourself.
- Stop giving away your responsibilities (especially self care) to others.
- Re-parent yourself.
- Recognize your own emotional cruelty.
- Identify and let go of self-destructive patterns.
- Detachment as liberation.
- Develop some patience.
- Let go of idealistic expectations.
- Stop confusing your needs with someone else’s responsibilities.
- Avoid letting your desire get carried away.
- Letting go of the need to control others.
Why does my relationships makes me cry, what can I do?
My partner makes me a wreck, not that he beats me. But I am just tired and not happy in the relationship. You ask me to confront him, yes I have. You think maybe talking to someone about it will help, sharing with someone how I feel. I have done that too. And thanks to a loving gentleman who guides and coaches me. If not for him, many times, I would have taken very wrong steps.
“I am stretched and tired. Not only that, I have given up but cannot give up.”
The issues have been identified, and they are not likely to go away. He has even raised his hands in the air and declared that he cannot help himself. He said he does not have the skills or ability to do what I am asking him to do. But this are mere responsibilities that a normal husband or man should stand up to.
Quite all right, he does far above average in the area where he is lucky (sic!) to have a comparative advantage. But even at that, in those areas, I have had to double down to assist and guide him in some critical decisions and actions. Putting my feet down on critical decisions that he ought to take. And even adding my own resources, and that for his area of comparative advantage.
An expert thought on crying
So I cry, because it is frustrating. I am doing more than my bit, so I think.
“I am crying because they serve a purpose. Tears don’t come easy, so I cry because I hurt.”
According to Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, “crying is an excellent way of releasing emotions and processing difficult situations.” Woman’s Day break down twelve possible reasons, experts says are the psychology behind constant crying.
These includes built-up emotions, emotional empathy, learned associations, neuroticism, depression and anxiety. Others are, early trauma, stress, personality, hormones, socialization and the PseudoBulbar affect.
“I am better,” isn’t better? “My cry bottle is fuller,” perhaps feel better
When Rose told told HuffPost, “I can’t remember an argument in which I haven’t cried, but then I’m generally a crier.” I said to myself, good girl, at least you are not a crier, but what am I?
Funny, many times, I have also been angry with my relationship with God, and that also makes me cry. Why is He keeping quiet. How come He is allowing me to go through this pains and hurts? For how long will He test me before He redeems me?
Should I be called a cry bottle filler? I am crying because they serve a purpose. Tears don’t come easy, so I cry because I hurt.
I cry because I care. I cry because I don’t feel heard. But for how long?
Why does my relationships makes me cry? I cry because I care. Yes, I cry because I don’t feel heard. I cry because you just hear my cry (complaints you call it), but do not see the care. If you want to know, I am stretched and tired. Not only that, I have given up but cannot give up. My journey have been very long, I have invested so much into this relationship and cannot let go now.
But for how long? And will it ever get better? Especially for a fundamentally flawed incapability in a partner. This I know, God is for me. In God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man created situations and circumstances do to me?
Is it possible to make sense of what is senseless?
I was introduced to Beth Kinder by chance, and she asked me to go back thousands of years and read where a king gave an order to murder every Hebrew baby boy by drowning them in the river.
She said God described the Israelites during that time as His people. Yet mothers were having their babies ripped from their arms and murdered. Senseless… Where was God? Did those Hebrew families not honor God?
Beth then fast forward my mind to several thousand years later when another king ordered the senseless slaughter of all male children, ages two years and younger. She asked, “where was God?” After all, weren’t they still His people? Had they, too, removed God from their lives, their homes, their world?
I sense what my ‘comforter friend’ is trying to explain, but I do not agree with him.
What I do agree with is that we are all in this life bubble and are facing very different and sometimes related challenges.
When Beth said that her greatest victories, and her most catastrophic defeats have come from her little unit, called family, it resonates with me. Like her, I appreciate that there is beauty exchanged in the growing pains of family, where we must fight hard to make it work, when we would have rather quit.
Like Beth, I can no longer do any lesser.
I am promising myself that I would be for others, including my partner and friends, what I could not always find or receive. Hopefully, I will find out during this process of self discovery, that everyone has something for someone. I may have to search deeper, clean off more dirt’s, to find the hidden treasures in my life and possibly, also in my partner.